After a horrible day at the J.O.B. I rushed home to catch the last of the daylight. I was rushing because I needed to be outside for a little project I wanted to do. I had found a bunch of old scratched up records and decorated them and now I wanted to destroy them.
On the records I had written some of the words, names and accusations that have been used against me in my life. Some of them were the negative things I say about myself in my head and some were things that my ex used to say about me and a few were names I have been called by complete strangers. They are words, names and ideas that run over and over in my head and I wanted to exorcise the demon of these thoughts. Names and ideas I hope to rid myself of forever. The ex used to use some (a few very vulgar) names for me and over time, I came to hate the words themselves as well as how he said them.
Soft-butch
Built
Rump-a-licious
Reubanesque
Big Girl
Momma
ALLL that Ass
And many others that I would prefer not to write or share with this interwebby thing-a-ma-jig. Mainly because I would be embarrassed to admit (sorta openly) that I EVER permitted someone to use in reference to me!
Anyway, I wrote with paint pen all over the records and wrote as many of these words as I could. These records have been laying around my apartment for about a week and every time I looked at them, I looked forward to destroying them!
At work, I had a horrible day and was very angry at some things that had happened. It was perfect! I could get out some of my frustrations on those damn records!
I rushed in the apartment, grabbed the records, my camera, and the largest hammer in my tool drawer and headed out the door. The kitties were very confused… As well they should have been– I am sure that I looked like a crazy woman!
On the sidewalk in front of my building I set up and took a few pictures of the records in all their intact glory. Several neighbors walked by and looked at me strangely… LOVE it!
I started by snapping them into as many pieces as I could with my hands. It felt good and I giggled a bit as I did it. One of the records was a Disney Winnie the Pooh record, that one is particular was fun to break apart. I felt like I was getting away with something forbidden or naughty. I was a bit exhilarated when people stared as they walked by.
I then, started using the hammer! WOW! What a punch it had! There were shards flying everywhere. The sound of the hammer on the concrete was very rewarding along with the jolt of the impact up my arm. I used my frustration about work, school, life, everything to hammer those records to bits.
Get out of my HEAD!!! Get out of my LIFE!
For some reason I felt that I needed to try to collect all of the pieces, so I searched up to 20 feet away looking for the chunks that had flown every which way. I then put them all in a paper sack and used the hammer to break them up further. I really wanted them to be a small as possible—or at least part of it to be.
One of the older men that live in my building walked by and saw me. He looked at me strangely and I felt sort of silly, but then giggled to myself that I was creating a pretty typical San Francisco tableau. Strange girl, dressed in black, doing something strange on the street in the name of “Art”. Ha!
One of the ones that was really striking was that one of the shards still revealed THE WORD very prominently. Well…
Obviously, I do not need to elaborate. The word itself has so much weight to it. It is charged on so many levels, I’ll let you deal on your own terms…
But I’ll take the word back! Proudly! I have ONE, what’s it to you???
After sifting through the particulate matter to find the smallest bits, I decided to put the dust and shards in some glass vials that were given to me by a classmate. I have been wanting to use them for something mainly because they have this scientific/medical quality about them and I think they are cool.
Anyway, I filled a few with the Broken Record Dust for posterity and am feeling pretty proud of the whole experience.
I had some hits and misses trying to capture this experience for this inter-webby-blog-o-sphere-thing-y but I hope you get the gist.
Yeah.
Onward toward new technology. Out with 45’s and onto optic-memory, dammit.
