So…
Today one of my fellow students asked my some very personal questions about speaking my truth, voice and why I didn’t, why I couldn’t and what happened when I didn’t speak my truth. It was for their project and it seemed to mirror some of what I am exploring here and in the larger HERE.
At first I was hesitant to reply to the questionnaire with the internal excuse that I am too busy. When I put a little pressure on it, the resistance was indeed part of the big picture about facing my own demons around speaking out, standing up for myself and learning to be self reliant—isn’t what this whole thing is about? *she asks herself sheepishly*
When I really started to think about it, I did have a reply to the questions and as I wrote my reply I began to get really angry. My stomach started to feel woozy and my palms began to sweat.
Why have I allowed my needs, wants, desires, and beliefs to be sacrificed in order to keep the peace, make others feel more comfortable and to not make a scene? Why is my opinion less than someone else’s? Why did I spend years in a relationship where I was not respected, my views put down and my opinions and values attacked?
Immediately after writing that, I began to make excuses… I was young when I got into that relationship; I needed the security at the time; he didn’t do it intentionally.
I became teary and really activated at work and had to “put it away” until later. That, TOO, made me angry. I am so tired of holding back, being nice and keeping it in. I AM angry and I AM sad and I AM hurt at some of what has happened in my life!!!
After I replied to my fellow student, I realized that what so much of this is about is forgiveness of MYSELF for not voicing my truth, for not sticking up for myself and for sacrificing my needs for someone who did not respect me enough to not use my generousness and open-heartedness to their advantage and against what was best for me.
My mother just mirrored back to me in the past couple of weeks a conversation that she remembers having with me when I was in my early 20’s. We were discussing the difference between speaking your mind and keeping it to yourself in order to keep the peace. She reminded me that I had put forth that tying your tongue was dishonest and did NOTHING for the relations of the people you were supposedly trying to protect. I also had told her that I believed that this was not living in integrity and that yes, it was a harder position to take, and it was a more honest one for yourself AND with those you are in relationship.
So, w hat now? How do I take this knowledge, this recovering of something I once knew and put it into practice? Into practice to allow me to come to a fullness of integrity and live my own truth?
Yeah, that IS the question, isn’t it…
